We had a serious talk tonight about where we want to go as parents and how we are not doing the things we want because the lines are so blurred between work, play, homelife, learning, friends, chores, relaxing and family. We are always trying to do it all at once, work never ends and neither does playtime they just fit in around each other. This seems idyllic- it's not working out that way. As in many things, the "ideal" in practice isn't a workable situation.
I had a moment today where I felt left out, not wanted and it made me sad. Even though I truly did have something else to do I wanted to be included in what I thought I was being excluded from. It made me identify with my darling daughter. She is living that life. Although the big grand world has so much calling to her, wanting her to explore and play and discover- she wants to be included in everything we do.
It is such an uncommon thing to have both parents home almost all the time- neither of us ever HAS to be anywhere without her, and although I have been concentrating on how proud I am that she has gotten comfortable enough to be left at her classes and activities, I think I missed how spoiled she is becoming. And we have no one to blame but ourselves.
So tonight we decided to get back to parenting the way we think we should instead of reactionarily (I can so make up words if I want to!)- and one of the things we decided is missing is family silly play time. Grace was just bouncing off the walls and we were climbing up them- so we decided to choregraph a terrific fight scene (she wanted to use the light saber and do a Star Wars theme to match her new T-shirt, but it was slightly unwieldy). After lots of giggling, a few misplaced blows and the perfecting of a 5 move routine Grace happily skipped upstairs for her story with only one whiny plea of "one more time".
Grace had always been so well-behaved and then this past 6 months she has started becoming a little crazy, a little over the top- where once there was enthusiasm, it seems now there is a psycho attention monger. And as much as I do in the name of homeschooling, I think I have been missing the boat too often trying to juggle so many things.
Into every life a little order must fall... this sounds familiar, have I written this very blog before? Am I reliving the same day over and over until I get it right, like that one X-files episode or the Bill Murray movie? Only in real life you don't get to stop aging and the rest of the world keeps going too, until you wake up one day and your child is married and you have a houseful of unfinished projects.
Maybe it's just PMS talking... maybe I'm just crazy. Or more likely I am living through having a 4 year old in a mixed up world full of imperfect people and too much information.